Bitcoin has no CEO. It has no marketing department.
It’s just you and your private keys
If a head of state adopts a shitcoin standard, they immediately become the bitch of that token’s shitcoin foundation, the founder(s) & the premine whales (mostly Silicon Valley these days)
— Stacy Herbert 🇸🇻🚀 (@stacyherbert) November 30, 2022
SHITCOIN USE CASES
A step-by-step guide to shitcoinery
by Niko Jilch / Jul 29
- “I can’t believe I have to write this: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS SATIRE. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. THIS IS NOT FINANCIAL ADVICE. THIS ISN’T ADVICE AT ALL. I DO NOT CONDONE THE CREATION OF USELESS SHITCOINS.”
“Ok here we go. This is a five step plan.
How do you accidentally lose $8bn? The most innocent version of events that FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried can present is that the missing customer funds were simply an oversighthttps://t.co/G1kDt8wV3S
— Financial Times (@FinancialTimes) November 18, 2022
1. Print a bunch of tokens
This should be self evident. In order to launch a shitcoin, we need a coin. A lot of them actually. Some smartasses are going with less than the Bitcoin-supply (like Unobtanium) – but in general it’s always a good idea to print plenty to achieve a very low starting price. You know, like Bitcoin had when it was still a baby. A coin priced in cents will attract people suffering from unit bias. Hell, you might even get some “investors” to buy in that actually believe that Bitcoin is “too expensive” because they don’t know they can buy small parts of a coin… Anyway.
SBF raised $2B from VCs and didn’t have a board of directors. When he finally put one together it consisted of an employee and a lawyer in Antigua whose website listed gaming as his specialty.
VCs just love throwing money at confident sounding MIT grads🙃https://t.co/07Dct5wXVZ
— Dare Obasanjo 🐀 (@Carnage4Life) November 11, 2022
The way the tokens come into existence is not important. You will never achieve the security and “immaculate conception” that Bitcoin had. So why even try? If you overdo it, not even the biggest idiots will fall for your scam. Think of the poor guys who wanted to start “Worldcoin” by scanning 14 billion eyeballs. Nah. Better to play it safe. Just mint the tokens, keep most of them for yourself, your buddies and maybe some VC funds. Then sell the rest to the public. From this point forward, the tech is secondary to the story anyway. The story is all that counts.
2. Find a name and a logo
This is pretty straight forward but not easy. A good name can make or break your shitcoin. Take Ethereum. Brillant name, no? In her 2020 book The Infinite Machine, Russo said that Buterin looked to science fiction terms for inspiration when he wrote the ethereum white paper in 2013. Buterin was scrolling through Wikipedia when he came across the word “ether,” and remembered this term from a science book he had read as a child. Ether is the now disproved concept that there’s a subtle material that fills space and carries all light waves. In the 19th century, scientists assumed ether was weightless, transparent, frictionless, undetectable chemically or physically, and permeated all matter and space, according to Britannica.
“Vitalik wanted his platform to be the underlying and imperceptible medium for every application, just what medieval scientists thought ether was,” Russo said. “Plus, it sounded nice.” He landed on the word “ethereum,” to describe the decentralized protocol. Did you catch that? Ethereum is literally named after a concept that is long disproven. Vitalik ran with it anyway. The success of Ethereum proves him right, no? Then the logo. It was easy in the beginning but by now all shapes have been used, so it’s best to just rehash something.
Please consider: A well done rebranding of the logo or even the name can be sold as a feature during a bullmarket. Nano was formally known as “Rai-Blocks” and Neo famously started out as “Antshares”.
He knows all about the disguised whales and how the Ethereum ICO unfolded. #ETHGATE is real. It's bigger than Enron, Madoff, MF Global and FTX combined. You have to wonder if FTX is a distraction. pic.twitter.com/vcNIphb4MD
— Digital Asset Investor (@digitalassetbuy) November 29, 2022
3. Find a “usecase”
The core of a good shitcoin-story is the “usecase”. It’s always a good idea to “improve” on Bitcoin in some way. Either by doing some particular thing better, faster, stronger. Or by adding features that noone missed in the first place. This started harmless enough with “muh transactions too slow or too expensive”. Enter Litecoin. But that’s a bad example, because in that regard Litecoin did have a real uecase for a short while. In 2017, before stablecoins were a widely adopted thing, many people used Litecoin to transact between exchanges – so the demand was actually there. Soon we entered clown world though.
Most of it started with Ethereum, smart contracts and the ability to launch your own token. Given the mess that Ethereum is, this opened up a whole bunch of new possibilities. You could now either find a “normal” usecase or a “scaling solution for Ethereum” usecase. If you’re really smart or lucky you can also just jump on the latest meme trend like Shiba Inu did with Dogecoin. The laziest bastards just wait and then come up with the “Ethereum of China” and “Ethereum of Korea” or even, i kid you not, the “Iota of Asia”. After the ICO boom we needed new “usecases” in 2019. Enter “DeFi”. Think of this as build-your-own-ponzi-scheme.
CFTC chief backtracks on his early comment about Ether being a commodity and says Bitcoin is the only commodity. https://t.co/ZbMLAgvE4H
— Cointelegraph (@Cointelegraph) December 1, 2022
Instead of selling your tokens outright you now give them as rewards. Some of the super lucky found an actual “usecase” within the whole DeFi-Mess like “oracles”. The brillant thing about DeFi: It locks up tokens. This also makes proof of stake perfect for shitcoins. It creates demand! Then there was NFTs. The normies ate that one up, didn’t they. This usecase was easier to sell and HOLY SHIT did it sell in the inflationary aftermath of the Covid-crash. Everyone knows those stupid little ape pictures. So we had ICOs, DeFi, NFTs and DAOs. Some of those will return after the bear market. Others will be replaced by something new and shiny. Keep your eyes and ears open.
Please consider: The “usecase” isn’t just part of the story. It’s needed so people are actually willing to buy and hold your shitcoin. They need to feel like they are “using” your token. You know – as opposed to that useless boomer token Bitcoin. These people are your exit liquidity. In a best case scenario they keep on buying when you and your friends are already dumping. Don’t half ass this, otherwise you will be the laughing stock of the “industry”.
4. Build an army
I wish I was kidding. The concept was pioneered by the OG shitcoiners who shall not be named. Their army is alive and well to this day. Basically what you do is this: You pay a bunch of shills to drum up support for your shitcoin. You build memes and throw them at 4chan, Reddit and Twitter. Best case scenario: Idiot “investors” buy into the story and take over from there. Their role is to viciously attack anyone who questions your story, your usecase or even your shitty logo.
In a pure projection play you can accuse the other side of being paid shills for a scam project. It’s also good to call them out on being “Bitcoin maxis” or even “Ethereum maxis”. Some shitcoins have huge success with a geographically concentrated group of shills. Iota for example is huge in the German speaking world. Believe me, I know. ICX seems to be a thing in Korea. Other shitcoins copy the Army model and add an actual “usecase” within the universe of shitcoins. That’s one of the best strategies.
Please consider: The great thing about building an army of shills is that many won’t even abandon you after your shitcoin has collapsed. This is the highest level of shitcoin brainwashing you can achieve and it’s truly a sight to behold. Yes, even after all their money is gone, many will defend you and your team. They will support you and even throw more money at you. They will do anything in order not to admit to themselves that they fucked up by buying into your shitcoin in the first place.
Just another shitcoin blog that proclaims that #Bitcoin is dead. pic.twitter.com/hm8b5tcIwz
— Gigi ⚡🧡 (@dergigi) November 30, 2022
5. Dunk on Bitcoin while claiming to basically be Bitcoin
This is an important step if you want to climb up to the upper echelons of shitcoinery. Here is the trick: To the outside (especially the media) you need to bash Bitcoin at every possible opportunity. It’s dirty, it’s old tech, it’s boomer coin! You know the drill. This has a couple of functions. First, you’ll be able to claim superiority over Bitcoin. Better consensus mechanism! Better usecase! Better team! In a way this is the basis for your shitcoins future success as it instantly appeals to total noobs looking for “the next bitcoin”. It will also get you in front of news cameras and even congress. Bitcoin doesn’t have a PR department or marketing people – but you do! Use them.
The apparent stabilization of bitcoin's value took place without any outside funds to rescue key players, unlike what happened to European banks when they received trillions in bailouts in 2011 and the ECB backstopped the euro https://t.co/C7ocGxsIYN
— zerohedge (@zerohedge) November 30, 2022
But – and this is important – within the circle of your shitcoins fans you change the tune slightly. You still feed them the garbage arguments about needing a 10 quadrillion supply and a “modern” consensus mechanism combined with a “usecase”. But every now and then you add a breadcrumb pointing into the other direction. Wasn’t your website URL registered even before Bitcoin was invented? Doesn’t your name have the same initials as Satoshi Nakamoto? How about some morse code thrown in when you’re guest on a popular podcast? Of course you should never outright claim to be Satoshi, that would make you look ridiculous. Far better to have the neets on 4chan drum up some crazy theory about your heritage and your connections to Bitcoin.
Please consider: When you read it like this, it does sound crazy to dunk on Bitcoin while basically claiming to have invented Bitcoin at the same time. But so far down the road to shitcoinery you shouldn’t be bothered by these moral quibbles. The conflicting messaging serves it’s purpose. Most people will only hear one of the messages anyway and the hardcore shitcoiners who hear both sides will use it to actually calm their own cognitive dissonance.
Deep down they already know that they’re total morons. They know that it’s idiotic running after some shitcoin while they could just stack and support the biggest achievement in money for centuries (Bitcoin). But they’re greedy and stupid. So your dual messages will only help them in their struggle with cognitive dissonance. They will be thinking: Yeah, Bitcoin is great – but I found something even greater. Me. I did that. It will make me rich.
Martin Shkreli telling Do Kwon that "jail isn't that bad" live on @UpOnlyTV was not on my crypto bingo card. pic.twitter.com/eQOma3dbfy
— Kolten (@0xKolten) November 8, 2022
Congratulations! You’re a full time shitcoin peddler. Now all you have to do is to get the timing right. To be really successful, you’ll need to launch during or prior to a bull market. You do not want to launch right after the bull has ended! The good news is: Even if you fail at your first attempt, you can always start another shitcoin. The sky is the limit. Or the law, hopefully.
- I can’t believe I have to write this: WHAT YOU JUST READ IS SATIRE. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. THIS IS NOT FINANCIAL ADVICE. THIS ISN’T ADVICE AT ALL. I DO NOT CONDONE THE CREATION OF USELESS SHITCOINS.”
LIQUIDITY for ALL
BITCOIN DURING BLACKOUTS
Fiat priced in #Sats 👇
🇲🇽MXN: 122https://t.co/MI5A5touVY | Supported By @MimesisCapital #Bitcoin
— Priced in ₿itcoin ∞/21M (@PricedinBTC) March 7, 2022